It has been three months since our friend Bandu’s tragic death.
As is customary in the Buddhist tradition, after three months, the bereaved family hosts a home based ceremony in which the local monks are invited for a meal, and to receive gifts. This ceremony is known as Alms Giving. The concept behind the Alms Giving is that it generates “merit” ~ much like karma, for both the deceased and the family. It is typically a happy occasion.
We are humbled to be once again part of the “inner sanctum”, as we are invited by Nilu (and reminded over and over) to be there!
Under Bandu’s eternal smile, four Buddhist monks partake in the elaborate meal prepared primarily for them.
There are three tables of monks set up. The most senior head monks, pictured here, the mid aged monks and a table with the young novice monks. Here Nilu, Bandu’s widow, (in white) is initiating the alms offering process of serving food to the monks.
A few of the young saffron and crimson robed novice monks (in training) await their turn to be offered food. The small servings of different curries are collected in their large bowls on the table as is the traditional way.
We are given the high honor of helping the family to serve food to the monks.
Peta and Nilu serving the youngest monks.
Sample dishes of the different traditional Sri Lankan curries, rice, sambol, and papadam are on display, but in the kitchen, there are huge pots of more food, to feed around 400 friends, neighbors and community members, after the monks eat and leave.
In the back rooms of the house, huge pots of enormous quantities of curries (fish, lentil dahl and vegetables) await the arrival of the community. This has been a major undertaking to organize. Two cooks helped the family to prepare the various traditional dishes in such large quantities. It is hard to fathom the size of these pots from the photograph, but the pot in the forefront is the size of a small bathtub! (The newspapers covering the food have been partially lifted, in order to take this photo of the food.)
Fish, tomato and coconut curry. Several hundred servings worth. We were sure there would be a lot of food left over, but Nilu tells us the next day, that every last morsel was eaten.
Once the monks have eaten, they receive traditional gifts from the family as part of the alms giving. Fabric for new robes, toothbrushes, sewing kits, pens and paper. Monks live a frugal simple life with very little in the way of material possessions and whatever they have they receive from their community.
Since Bandu’s death, Nilu has worked hard at starting up her laundry business. In addition she has focused on stabilizing her sons lives. One of Bandu’s dreams was to complete their home and she has started this process. The house now has wooden window frames, security bars, a front door, a linoleum floor in the main room, curtains which she made and a coat of paint on the concrete blocks. She is extremely proud of how different the house looks now, since the time of Bandu’s funeral, and that she has been able to continue their joint vision of finishing the house for their family.
The youngest monks are full of smiles for Peta taking their photos and sharing their images with them. A rare opportunity to have contact with monks in training ~ they often leave their parents, homes and community at a very young age. Even though very young, they are always treated with the utmost reverance in the community. Typically people put their hands together in namaste and do a slight bow to their holiness.
Living in Sri Lanka and having travelled in SE Asia for the past 4 years, we are used to the sight of monks, novice monks and their shaved heads, fans and colorful robes, but to see them sitting sweetly in Bandu and Nilu’s house is different. And to get their permission to take portraits of them, is an unexpected photo opportunity.
Bandu’s younger son Dimalsha, proudly shows off his mother’s new( industrial size) washing machine ~ the engine of economic survival now for this household. (To read the story, see Bandu’s funeral – a new reality for Nilu and her two sons)
Bandu’s nephew Chatturanga, on the right, proudly holding up the newest member of the extended family. The purpose of the dot in the middle of her forehead, is to ward off evil and keep her safe as is the Buddhist tradition. She also sports some cool bracelets on both wrists.
Peta gets a snuggle too.
And Ben does his best to keep the youngest member cool on this particularly hot and humid Sri Lankan day.
Once the meal is over, the immediate family sits down on the floor in front of the most senior monk, to receive prayers and blessings. We are honored to be invited into this intimate prayer circle. On the left is Bandu’s oldest son, Isuru. When Bandu died, Isuru was in the midst of his 9 day most important school exams of the year. (Every day Bandu drove him to school in his tuk tuk and waited outside for him to complete each exam.) Isuru had to continue taking his exams throughout the whole multi day funeral rites. It was remarkable that he was able to keep going with his exams, in the midst of his grief, having just lost his father. However, he knew that his father Bandu, would have wanted him to persevere as he very much valued Isuru being a good student.
In front, Bandu’s youngest son, Dimalsha, with hands in prayer, and opposite him in polka dots is his grandmother, Bandu’s mother, and Nilu, in white. The teapot is full of water which is poured into and over a cup to symbolize overflowing “merit” for the deceased and his family.
Bandu’s sons stand to receive blessings from the head monk, with the family watching.
The oldest son has a special role to play after the alms giving. The yellow, peach and turquoise “crown like” object is placed by the monk onto the boy’s head. It is a symbolic representation of Buddha’s tooth (Buddha’s tooth is a major Buddhist relic, in a temple in the town of Kandy, the epicenter of Sri Lanka’s Buddhist practice for thousands of years). It is bestowed upon the oldest son of the deceased, who has the honor of bearing this symbol, which will give merit and ensure Bandu’s good next life incarnation.
The woeful Sri Lankan wind instrument is played, (as it was at the funeral), as the monks make their way from Bandu and Nilu’s house to the van, which awaits to take them back to their respective temples. The monks came for the alms giving from three different temples in the region.
Ben shares a moment of quiet reflection with the head monk as the monks leave the alms giving ceremony.
The video we made to commemorate the occasion of Bandu’s alms giving, is worth watching till the end, so that you can hear the wind instrument being played as a soulful goodbye. (Electric piano soundtrack on the video, original improv music played by Ben.)
~ ~ ~
Several of you have asked about how Nilu is faring…
It has been incredible to witness Nilu’s strength and adjustment to change and a new life without Bandu. She is doing very well, as are her sons, especially considering it has only been three months since Bandu’s death. Isuru (the oldest son) just today, got the results of his important exams and found out he did very well. Bandu would be very proud of him!
Much gratitude and a big thank you, to all of you Green Global Trek blog readers and friends, who have helped Nilu and her sons with heartfelt contributions. It touched our hearts that many of you were so thoughtful and generous, and reached out to a woman you only know through our blogs, who lives worlds away, at the Southern tip of the tropical island that is Sri Lanka.
Your support has been critical in facilitating Nilu’s transition to life as a widow and her new role as the sole breadwinner of the family. Nilu was both surprised and delighted that strangers all over the globe knew of Bandu and cared enough to help her and her sons rebuild a future for themselves.
Thank you for this post. I have thought of Nilu and her family often and am grateful for the update.
Deb
Deb, thanks for caring and glad to provide this upbeat update.
B&P
What a touching story! Your thoughtful description of this sweet ceremony moved me to tears. 🙏
Thanks Dhara for the compliment and for stopping by to read our post. Not sure if you read the prior posts, which gives the background story of how we met Bandu, you might enjoy that too.
B&P
So pleased to hear that NIlu is doing OK. How special for you both to be involved in this ceremony
Thanks Darlene. We were so pleased to be at a ceremony that was meaningful in that it marked the initial first three months after Bandu’s death. In Buddhism this is a significant milestone in the re-incarnation cycle. The family has achieved acceptance and the focus now is his souls next life.
B&P
Good to know Nilu is forging ahead. What a remarkable woman. It’s wonderful that you are there to support and guide her through these difficult times. I’m reading a book that says it takes 1000 days to come out of the fog after the death of a partner.
I am sure the Alms Giving will bring loads (many, many washing loads) of karma to the family.
Peggy, the reality of life here is that Nilu and others whom lose family members do not have the “luxury” of 1000 days to “come out of the fog” after the death of a loved one. In this case, a week later Nilu wanted to work. Not only as a means to immediately start supporting her family, but also perhaps as a distraction from grief. She also was a wonderful role model to her boys that even in grief, one moves forward.
“many washing loads of karma” ~ that’s clever and on point.
B&P
What a wonderful ceremony. Another milestone on the path of grieving – I hope it helped.
Yes Anabel, the alms giving is a pretty significant milestone in Buddhism that shifts the focus from the death to helping the soul in its next iteration/life.
B&P
A lovely post Ben and Peta. I’m so glad to hear that Nilu and her sons are doing so well. And those portraits of the novice monks are just lovely. They all look so present!
Alison
Thanks Alison! I guess that I connected with the young monks in a way, as a mother of 4 sons. I was thinking about how hard the separation process must be ~ not only for them, but for their parents as well. Of course, it is all worth it for the family as it guarantees merit and karma. The boys also get a quality education, which they probably would not get otherwise as most of them are from rural regions.
B&P
Very special. Thanks for sharing your meaningful experience that has touched me deeply❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Lo, for your lovely heartfelt comments.
Much love your way too..
B&P
As everyone has said before me, this has been a nice update on Nilu. It’s remarkable how far she has come in just 3 months.
It’s always so interesting to read about different traditions and this one is certainly one of them. Feeding 400 people!! Wow – that puts my Easter dinner for 10 in stark contrast.
Great photos and wonderful seeing how the 2 of you have become interwoven in this community 💕
Joanne, we were pretty surprised that there was going to be such a large crowd. We were invited there to be present for the alms giving, but the community showed up later for the meal. It is very common here that when a large meal is prepared for celebrations that the whole community, neighbors and family will cycle through. So all in all it takes hours from start to finish. A big logistical effort for sure.
Thanks for the compliment on the photos, glad you enjoyed them. For us, it is the very point of our philosophy of “sequential living”, as opposed to traveling, that we can hopefully have enough time to weave the webs and relationships that allow us to integrate in a meaningful way.
B&P
Ben and Peta, thank you for sharing this very intimate portrait of a family’s rebirth after the loss of Bandu. This wonderful tradition must bring such peace to everyone.
Your reverent recounting of the event reflects your special relationship with this family and you all are so lucky to have found each other. Many blessings.
Thank you Suzanne for your well expressed comments on this post.
The tradition of alms giving seems to mark a significant milestone in Buddhism after a death of a beloved one. When comparing countries, such as this country has a Muslim population, that country has a Buddhist population, it is easy to forget that the core of these philosophies permeates throughout the society. So in this case, in a largely Buddhist community, here in the South of Sri Lanka, everybody would quickly and naturally align with the concept of reincarnation, that merits will help Bandu transition to a good life in his next incarnation etc. These are not just rituals, these are integrated concepts. The peace comes from the fact that people readily accept that the soul of the person who died lives on.
B&P
Thanks. Every image, every perfectly expressed description is embedded in my mind forever !!
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So touched that this post had such an impact on you Lois. Thank you for your heartfelt comments. Hope you got to see the video?
xoxo
B&P
Beautiful story. Beautiful ceremony. Beautiful people all around. You two keep me in a constant state of awe. Looking forward to seeing you both soon. Love x
Thanks Kris for your sweet comments. CAN’T wait to see you guys in your yurt next to the river in Northern Spain! Excited to have an opportunity to reconnect.
xoxo
B&P
Unfortunately it won’t be next to this beautiful river. We are still in the south until mid April which is when we move up north to Tarragona. But I’m sure there will be equally divine places to explore together. We are both very excited too and can’t wait to introduce you to our little cheeky monkey!!
This was indeed very special. What a delightful insight into SL culture. Thank you Peta this was a joy to see!
Thanks Aaron, glad you enjoyed the insight into Buddhism and this slice of life in Sri Lanka.
Peta
🧡
Thanks Sharon.
My eyes are moist. This is such a beautiful and touching post. What a lovely tradition, and how special for you to have been part of it. I’m happy to hear that Nilu and her family are doing well. It’s incredible how she has stepped up in time of grief, likewise her son who managed to not only finish but do well on his exams. Your young monk photos are so sweet! Peta and Ben, thank you for sharing this intimate and special experience. Caroline
Thanks Caroline for your heartfelt and touching comments. The novice monk portraits are our favorite from the day as well. Such sweet little souls, so quiet yet endearing. The whole family was ecstatic that Isuru had not only passed his exams, but did well on them.
B&P
What a remarkable story…Thank you Peta for constantly keeping us amazed and in awe of your incredible experiences…. I heard about the Giant Squirrel …OMG I would have been terrified‼️‼️‼️‼️
Merci Madame Bell. Good to know you are still reading us and enjoying our updates from life in Sri Lanka. Just so you know, we BOTH write the blog. Some parts are written by Ben, some by Peta, and edited by both. Definitely a joint effort.
Too bad there are no giant squirrels and monitor lizards in Beverly Hills!!
B&P
xoxo
Your posts are fascinating. Thank you for sharing them.
Thanks Steven, glad you are enjoying them. Welcome to Green Global Trek.
Peta
Ben and Peta what a privilege to partake via your blog in this ceremony. through your photos and especially the video I felt as though I was walking with you.
What good news to hear of the family doing so well and as you say just three months since Bandu’s tragic passing. Please tell Nilu if you feel appropriate, she is inspiring us with her strength and resilience and we continue to send positive energy to her and her boys across the miles,
Sue thank you for your kind words. Glad to know you enjoyed the video!
Nilu has fairly limited English, although she has just started English lessons, together with her sons, (at our recommendation.) Part of a quick recovery is perhaps related to survival and perhaps also related to the Buddhist concept of after life which this ceremony solidifies.
Ben & Peta
What a magnificent celebration of life for such a gentle soul. Such a feast! Such a tribute with this post.
Thank you for giving me a virtual seat at the table for this poignant rite of passage. Your slow travel with extended periods in local communities deepens your experience of this world, and ours as readers, exponentially.
I am gladdened to hear of Nilu’s continued success and am so proud of Isuru’s ability to complete his exams at such a dark moment. He and Dimalsha look like such fine young men.
Stunning images, especially the portraits. And the video transported me there.
Love from Trincomalee
Lisa your comments are such a treat to read!
With this rite of passage we can feel the burden lifted from Nilu’s shoulders ~ now that she knows she has done all she can to help Bandu’s spirit move on with maximum merits, she is happier. She still misses him terribly of course, but she is at peace.
Isuru and Dimalsha are a delight and the fact that they are adjusting as well, is helpful for everyone. In addition, because they have school activities and projects, this has been a good distraction. They are all taking English classes now once a week at our suggestion and this too has given them something to do together as a new family activity.
Thanks so much for the compliments on the portraits. I am very happy with those 🙂 Glad you enjoyed the video Lisa.
Peta (&Ben)
What a glorious, educational and loving post. You have honored us with the sharing of the honor you were given to be part of this ceremony.
The monks – wow. I wonder how the young novice monks get selected. And are they ever sad, to be away from family and chosen to have such a quiet reserved life?
I love the idea of a 3-month ‘party’ after death, when the community still comes together to honor the one who has passed, and his family.
Pamela thank you for your adaptation of trickle down theory, in this case, trickling down honor which was bestowed upon us by Nilu’s family.
Not sure how the novice monks are actually selected, but our understanding is that there may be more demand (for young novices) than supply in Sri Lanka, which is different than Thailand, or Laos where every single male child enters the monastery for some time. This may be because of a rising standard of living, but parents are increasingly less inclined to give up their young sons for the monastery, despite the honor this entails. No doubt there is a large adjustment to be made going from family life and into the monastery, which is of course part of the process of becoming monk.
The 3 month celebration is clearly timed to help facilitate the recovery process. With Nilu now knowing that Bandu has received the merits he needs to go forward toward his next reincarnation, she has reached a state of acceptance and seems at peace.
Ben & Peta
It breaks my heart that Nilu is so very young to be a widow, but at the same time, my heart sings to see that she and her sons are are doing well. They are lucky to have you to support them in their grief and sudden economic straits. Thanks for the update!
Thanks Lex. It is tough to be a young widow here because the rules in Sinhalese culture dictate that she is destined to be a widow for the rest of her years and cannot remarry, and as well, the status of being a single mother is way lower than being married. There may be some evolution, but these are very rare cases.
It is so great to see Nilu feeling relieved and so much happier now that Bandu’s merits have been secured and the ceremony has taken place. Her oldest son has grown so much in three months ~ both physically, a clear growth spurt and as well, to take his place as the head male in the family.
Ben & Peta
Thanks very much for this update, Peta and Ben.
Incredible that you’ve been so seamlessly woven into the fabric of this family’s life; and so instrumental yourselves at helping Nilu move, slowly, through her grief, into hope and planning for her and her sons’ futures.
Blessings to you both for providing that much-needed presence and strength in this family’s life. I’m sure that you too have been profoundly impacted by your connection, in life and equally through death.
Amit thanks for these thoughtful kind words.
We did what we could, but all credit goes to Nilu herself for having the strength to reshape her life and seize the opportunity to start a new business. Once she knew that her family’s survival was not threatened by Bandu’s death, she was able to do what needed to be done. Also, her sons need her now more than ever, and she is certainly proving to be a steady anchor for them.
Now that the alms ceremony is behind her and Bandu has his merits secured, Nilu is clearly feeling happier. Just yesterday she introduced us to her new English teacher, who will come to her house once a week to give her English lessons. This morning, she showed us the papers she needs in order to secure receiving a new tuk tuk from the insurance company, which will replace Bandu’s tuk tuk. She knows how to drive, but will need to get her drivers license and then she will really feel and be independent. This will help her for future laundry and she may even pick up some tuk tuk customers along the way, as the only female tuk tuk driver (that we have ever seen.)
Peta & Ben
Hi Ben and Peta! Another heartfelt post and experience. I really liked the positivism exuded here.
The alms giving seems to bring closure to a grieving family as far as that is possible. And, it is so nice to read that Nilu and her sons are doing well under the circumstances. I can’t believe one modest family making food for 400 guests. That is a serious undertaking.
Thanks for sharing this spiritual and cultural event and drawing us in, the way you guys always do.
Thanks Liesbet for your positive feedback.
The alms giving is very much a milestone in Buddhist culture, after a death. Serious undertaking for sure with regards the meal. Everyone that was at the funeral, came back for the dinner time meal, well after the monks had departed. Nilu used some of the money collected for her by readers of our blog, to help to pay for this important ceremony. She was very grateful that she was able to give Bandu a good send off.
We hesitated at the beginning with regard to writing about Bandu’s death, but in retrospect we made the right decision. We learned much about Buddhist practices and are glad to have now been able to share this follow up.
Peta & Ben
Thank you for providing this update Peta. It is so good to know that Bandu’s family is doing well since his tragic death. Nilu is so young to be dealing with the loss of a spouse and the children with the loss of their father. It is heartwarming to know that they have such a good support system.
Thanks LuAnn for your supportive comments. Nilu is doing better every day and is showing grit in the face of adversity.
Peta
Such different ways we have of looking at our world, Peta. I feel very narrow minded sometimes. I had wondered how Nilu could be expected to pay for such an event, and what would happen if she could not. I’m glad that funds raised meant that she was not disgraced and could be at peace. They seem a wonderful and very hard working family.
Life is unkind sometimes, isn’t it? Perhaps if I were a Buddhist I could accept it better. Reading the comments I was also sad to note that she must be a widow for life.
Interesting comments Jo. I didn’t realize how much of a community hosting event was associated with the 3 month milestone alms giving. Nilu told us she would be taking four days to prepare, and we wondered what could possible take four days? But now we get it. I imagine that if she did not have the funds, then there would have been less food, less alms giving and her family members would have had to chip in to bear the burden of the expense.
Buddhism is based on the premise that “life is suffering” and of course with the undisputed belief that there is reincarnation, death is but one phase of the cycle.
It is a hard culture in the sense that single women are so undervalued and that being a widow has a stigma. For now, at any rate, she is very focused on raising and providing for her boys. The fact that she can bring in income and not worry about that, is huge.
Peta
I am sure Bandu would be immensely proud of his wife and children and how they continued to work hard as a family and prosper. I am so glad you and Ben were able to help them and be part of the rebuilding of this family’s life at such difficult times. Nilu is a very strong woman she has already accomplished a lot in the last 3 months, I am inspired by her courage. Thank you for this update and giving us a glimpse into this very interesting culture.
Thank you Gilda for your thoughtful comments on this post.
We have a large photo of Bandu in our living room, next to our wooden Buddha, and we do believe his spirit is watching over Nilu and their sons, and is proud indeed.
Peta
What I like most about your stories is that all is elaborated beautifully with the help of photographs.
In India, we have a ceremony too, wherein pandits are called for meal and gifts. Thank you for sharing. May Bandu’s soul be blessed with peace.
Charu
Charu, thank you. That is lovely. Seeing as we are both very visual people, photographs for us are very helpful in painting a picture.
In Hinduism, when are the pandits called in for the meal and gifts? Is it also after three months, is there a specified time?
Peta
My condolences to both of you and to Bandu’s family. His widow’s courage and strength is an inspiration. But, more practically I’m thrilled to hear she has a support system who will not abandon her now she is a widow.
ॐ मणिपद्मे हूँ (Oṃ Maṇi Padme Hūṃ) 🙏
Thank you for your kind words. The stigma of being a widow is much more societal than it is within a woman’s immediate family. The death of her husband has forced upon Nilu a level of responsibility that she did not anticipate having and yet she is rising to the challenge with grace and courage. Bandu would be proud of her!
Peta & Ben
This is a lovely custom, similar to our experience in Iran. In 2015 Abi’s (hubby) brother passed away just 3 weeks before our scheduled visit. As it turned out, we were in Iran to celebrate the 40th day of his passing, which is when loved ones gather and share a meal. It also marks the end of the mourning period.
I’m curious as to why such young boys dedicate their lives to becoming a monk. Why so young?
I’m learning vicariously through you. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Patti, I think there is something very positive about these ceremonies/occasions which allow grieving family to heal and move forward. In comparison with Western custom which does an equivalent one year marking of the date of a loved one deceased, which draws out the mourning period.
Some of the young boys are only in the monkhood for a short period of time, not their whole lives. The parents make the decision about the age of entry and the duration of time spent in the monkhood. I think the young age may have to do with the quality of education that they receive, which they would not otherwise have the opportunity to get.
Thanks for your comments. We would LOVE to go to Iran, it is very high on our list.
Peta
A very touching post.
Thanks!
It’s wonderful to see Nilu doing so well, and the boys. too. To complete exams at such a time — and to do well! — is evidence of great maturity on the part of Isuru. And it’s so good to see so many smiles. Even the young monks, who no doubt wanted to behave properly and not bring dishonor, loosened up and began to smile.
I know so little about Buddhist beliefs and customs that your posts leave me with as many questions as answers. I almost literally stumbled into a Thai Buddhist temple in Santa Fe, Texas a few weeks ago, and am eager to return and see if I can find someone to help interpret things for me. Everyone I met was friendly, but we mostly smiled at one another because they didn’t speak much English, and I speak no Thai whatsoever. There’s something exciting about entering a wholly different culture, as I did in West Africa, and I hardly expected to have another opportunity so close to home.
Just browsing your entries has been helpful. I think there must be different forms of Buddhism, and I suppose my first task is to find out the nature of the temple I found. I’ll tell you this — it’s quite an experience to be driving down a back Texas road and suddenly see lines of golden statues out of the corner of your eye!
Linda, thank you for your thoughtful comments and for sharing your Texan Thai temple experience!
Here is an interesting thing: most Thai temples responding to foreigners interest in Buddhism, hold what they call “monk chats”. These are usually offered once a week (in Thailand) and are great opportunities to do just that, chat with monks. It might be interesting to find out if the temple you found offers that. One recommendation is to go in with a few specific questions written down, lest you wind up with too broad a question like “what is Buddhism about?”.
There are two schools of Buddhism, Theravadic Buddhism which is what we have here in Sri Lanka and can be found in Myanmar and South Asia, and Mahayana Buddhism which is found in North East Asia ~ China, Japan and Korea. In Mahayana there are further subsets of Buddhism such as Zen Buddhism in Japan, Tantric Buddhism and Tibetan Buddhism.
The little novice monks at the ceremony loosened up a bit and smiled once Peta started taking their portraits and sharing the results with them. Definitely a novelty for them.
Ben
The story of Bandu and his family touches me deeply. You’ve made a universal death (death being the ultimate moment after birth) a personal experience. The honor bestowed upon the monks and later the whole village reflects Bandu’s life. It’s wonderful to see Nilu, Usuru, and Dimalsha facing their future without Bandu but in good health and spirits. Thank you, Peta and Ben, and Nilu’s family for sharing such intimate moments.
Thanks Shari for such heartwarming and thoughtful comments. These were indeed intimate moments. Some of which we hesitated initially in sharing, but in retrospect are so glad we did. For so many different reasons, one of which was the generosity of so many readers who reached out to help Nilu (a stranger to them) in her time of dire need.
This is an interesting situation, where our blog about our life in Sri Lanka, became an integral part of Nilu’s adjustment to life without Bandu.
Ben & Peta